Sunday, May 1, 2011

Menacing Society #2: There Must Be Something Wrong...

Admit it - you know you've said it (or at least thought it) at some point in your life:  "Anyone that old and still single has something seriously wrong with him/her."  I know I said it more than just a couple times when I was younger, before I really got to know anyone who was older and unmarried - back when dating and courtship seemed as easy to me as elementary school arithmetic.  My equation went something like this:

Dating Efforts + Worthiness to marry = Happy Ending

There are way too many people who think it's that easy.  Most married people I run into seem to have forgotten their dating lives, and revert to this equation, or a variation of it.  And why not?  It makes it easy to explain why people go unmarried for so many years.  Either they're not trying hard enough/don't want it bad enough, or something is wrong with them that makes them unworthy of another's affections.

And suddenly people become my personal date doctor, and try to diagnose why I'm not married.  After asking about my dating efforts, to make sure the efforts are healthy, I become the subject of a superficial psycho-analysis.  I say superficial, because most people base their hypothesis on assumptions.  Whether they say it directly to me or not, most people are terrible at keeping their thoughts off their faces.  Suddenly their eyebrows will contort, and they'll look at me as if they're trying to read my soul for the answer.  And here are the test results:

1 - "You're not physically attractive enough.  You're just a sweet spirit."
My response:  Looks may make a big impression, but if it were really about looks, then there are TONS of couples that should never have married, and several others that should be married.

2 - "You lack the necessary social skills."
My response:  I may not be socially compatible with you, but trust me - I have WAY too many friends for you to be making that claim.

3 - "You're too picky."
My response:  Are you seriously suggesting I marry someone I really don't want to?  Really?  So, you really don't care about my happiness...

4 - "You've got a skeleton in the closet."
My response:  No.  No, I don't.  And it's offensive that you would automatically assume that of me, simply because I'm not married.  I mean, what kind of skeleton is bad enough to keep every girl I'm interested in from getting close to me?  And if it's that bad, how could you think I'm capable of it?

5 - "You must be gay."
My response:  I don't even know where to start with this one.  One of the most awesome people I know, Melissa, was asked if she was lesbian by an old acquaintance after revealing that she was 28 and unmarried (the other person didn't even ask Melissa if she was dating someone before asking this)!  Her response blew my mind: "No.  But if you need to tell people I'm lesbian because you're so embarrassed to know someone who's 28 and single, then you have my permission."  I mean, really!

There are other reasons people make up to explain why I'm still not married.  They're pretty ridiculous excuses, and less believable than the ones I've listed.  But even then, people still get married - every day - with any number of the reasons I listed above.  So it's pretty clear that it's not that simple.  Obviously I don't have it figured out yet, but I'm pretty sure the equation for marriage is better represented by the following:


My point is, finding the right person, and convincing them that you're the right person for them can be complicated.  And sometimes, you can go a long time without finding that special someone through no fault of your own.  Could it be that there's no simple explanation for why some people go unmarried for so long?

If you ask my opinion, I'd say that sometimes you have to consider divine providence.  I look back at all the efforts I've made to get married, make myself more attractive, meet new people, etc.  Then I look at all the other experiences I've had, and how it's changed my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  I have grown and changed a TON each year, and my perspective is completely different than what it was just a few years ago.  I'm grateful I didn't get married before turning 25 - there's a lot of me I wouldn't have discovered yet.  Not only that, but I've had incredible experiences through service that I wouldn't have been exposed to had I been married.  And the older I've gotten, the more comfort I find in my prayers that one day I'll be happily married to a woman who was absolutely worth the wait.

And let's face it - I'm not old by any means.  Anywhere outside of Utah, no one would think twice about the fact I haven't "settled down" yet.  But here, it's a social norm to be married by the time you turn 25.  And since I'm outside of the norm, the Sociology text-books would call me deviant.  Deviant sounds like a cross between defiant and devil, therefore I must be a menace to society.

8 comments:

Rachelle said...

:( I'm sorry people can be so judgemental. I loved your equation. It made me smile because it's so true. Basically it all boils down to divine intervention. Beau and I never would have met otherwise. Just follow the Spirit like you have been and everything will turn out when and how it's supposed to. There's someone out there being prepared for you and you are being prepared for her. It just takes some of us longer than others to deserve our spouses. :) I don't know why it seems so "easy" for some and so "hard" for others. I guess we all just have different struggles and I wish we could all understand that instead of judging situations we don't understand. Know that we think you're awesome and that any girl would be lucky to have you.

Larissa said...

I couldn't have said it better myself, Jon.
People speculate because everyone wants to be the one who gets 100% on their test - they want to have all the right answers. But there isn't one - the Lord works in mysterious ways:-)
I'm right there with you - already trying to come up with really witty responses or work up some fake tears when people ask me this question at my lil sister's wedding next April.
I heart you Jon - through thick and thin!

Unknown said...

The more time I spent staring at that equation the more I see its genius!
LOVE this. RELATE to this.

Chism said...

Others expressed the same sentiment, but I love the equation. It reminds me of pre-algebra, and trying to figure what "XY" is.

David said...

I almost feel like copying this whole post onto my own blog (that I haven't updated in over a year). 28 and single and still not finding anyone despite dating a lot (last date was Saturday, have tickets for this Saturday and no date yet). It's a little frustrating, not going to lie.

I talked with my last date on the phone several hours before our first date (I mean several hours over the course of three weeks while she was home between terms) and we talked about everything including how she usually ends up dating jerks and why can't she find a nice guy to date for once. Three days after our first date, she calls and says she doesn't think it would work out (without even a second date). Weird.

Vent over.

Jeannette Singleton said...

I hope its ok that Im still reading. I loved this! so honest, so clear! I wish people would share more of these deeply honest from the heart stuff and quit with all the guessing, judging, assuming, etc! but youre right! we all do it! I guess its easier, safer- we think to keep it all in.

Sara Blue Star said...

Well, you are a deviant...just in a great kind of way! You know you're the bee's knees and that's what's so great about you! Now go be a hoity toity and enjoy not being married! It's great on both sides of the "big day" and when it's right, then it's right! I am so glad I waited till after 25, I wasn't who I needed to be to fall in love with John (and vice versa), and now that I am...life's great! You have a super fun life as it is, and I know you're enjoying it!

Ranko66 said...

It's hard meeting people too. Especially if your shy and live in a place where its hard to meet people.