Menacing Society #4: Pet Peeves

I've been putting off this post for a while because I knew once I posted it, I'd come up with a million more things to add to the post.  But it's high time I write another post in this blog series, and there's only 2 subjects I have left to cover.  I may list more pet peeves in another post later, so don't think this is a comprehensive list:

• Being set up on a blind date, "because well, you're single, and she's single..."  I don't mind blind dates, and I certainly hope everyone you set me up with is also single.  But if that's all we have in common, please don't waste my time.  You'd be surprised how often I hear that phrase.  On a side note, it's also a pet peeve to be set up on a blind date with someone you think I need to learn major lessons from.
• Having to explain what I'm looking for.  I don't know anyone who has a specific list of requirements in a future spouse.  Yes, I can probably name a few things that are important to me - testimony, physical attraction - but I always end up finding myself struggling to give them an adequate answer.  It's as frustrating as trying to describe the taste of salt to someone who's never tasted it.
• The jealous and snide comments people make about how I spend my money.  Believe me, I'd rather be broke if it meant I was using my money to take care of a wife and kids.  But I've got savings, and I no longer think I should punish myself for not having found "the one" yet.  So I reserve the right to go on cool vacations, buy cool toys, etc.
• Talking about my marital status at someone else's wedding.  It's usually always accompanied with some form of "don't worry, you'll find her."  The conversation is usually anything but comforting and, depending on my recent dating misadventures, just rubs salt in an open wound.  And there comes a point when you become too old to participate in the boquet/garter toss.  I'm here to support the bride and groom, see family/friends, and have a piece of cake.  There's a reason I'm keeping a low profile, so can we NOT turn the focus on me?
• Why is my dating life the only thing people want to talk about?  I don't want people living vicariously through my love life.  Most singles have pretty exciting lives - more frequent vacations, school, stories at work, etc.  By the time I tell you about all my news in those departments, I've told you more about my life than you've told me about yours.  Additionally, I feel like my life is exceptionally exciting - I'm frequently involved in a performance or two, I'm heavily involved with church, I find frequent volunteer opportunities, and I'm in an improv comedy troupe!  I feel like I live out of my car more than my apartment.  Apparently I'm the only one who thinks all that is conversation-worthy, though, since married people don't take much interest in those things at all.
• Assumption of fault.  I covered this one pretty well in a previous post.  Just because I'm single, doesn't mean there's something so wrong with me that I can't find someone to marry.  Yet I'm constantly bombarded with questions such as, "Why don't you want to get married?"
• Prying questions about one's current relationship.  I know you're only asking how serious we are so that you can try to predict when you might hear wedding bells.  It's none of your business whether or not we've used the "L word."  I understand many people just want to see us happy, and are looking for confirmation, but how awkward are those questions when the relationship isn't going well?  The bottom line: please stay out of our relationship - three's company.
• Advice.  When it comes to dating, everyone suddenly becomes Dr. Phil.  Since when are you the expert at dating?  I recognize that you found a successful relationship, but who's to say your circumstances are like mine?  Even well-intended advice can turn a good dating situation sour - I've seen it happen.  I'm not you - different things make me happy, I handle situations differently, different people are going to attract me, and different issues are important.  It's not that I don't value what you may want to say to me.  It's just that my world isn't the same as your world.  If I want your advice, I'll ask for it.  And if red flags do come up, I'm much more likely to listen to you if you've respected the privacy of my relationship otherwise.
• How married/engaged people seem to forget overnight what it's like to be single.  I know I'm not alone in these pet peeves - in fact, most of my peers feel EXACTLY the same way.  Yet, I've known newlyweds of less than a year that violate almost every one of these pet peeves.  It's like there's a veil of forgetfulness that they pass through between their single life and their married life.  And don't give me any cheek about some "awakening" that changes their mind about all these issues - if they truly remember what it's like being single, they would also remember the effect these things have on singles.

Another thing that bothers most singles my age (it's not a personal pet peeve of mine, but seemed appropriate to post here) is how people in the church treat singles.  They talk about the singles ward as if it's the Island of Misfit Toys.  Nobody wants them, and there's something wrong with each one.  They just don't fit in, so let's send them somewhere that they don't bother us.  I've had friends express frustration about how they don't feel welcome in family wards.  There's a huge chunk of singles who fall away from the church; there's no need to put undue pressure on them to fit in.  Why is it that so many people feel like there's no spot for singles in the church, when we preach that 2 out of 3 degrees of the Celestial Kingdom are for them?  Just an observation...

Okay, for all you single people: what are some pet peeves of yours that I didn't put on the list?  For you married people: I know not all of you are guilty of these things.  And for those who have a differing opinion, I'm happy to hear your reasoning.  :-)

Menacing Society #3: A Case for Discrimination?

In case you haven't heard yet, I'm moving!  I signed my new lease the other day, and will be out of my apartment by the end of the month.  With finding a place to live fresh on my mind, I think it's a good time to talk about how I believe singles are being discriminated against in the housing market.

A year ago, while I was looking for a place to live with 2 of my friends, I was denied the opportunity to move into several homes because they were zoned as single-family units.  Renters told me they wanted to rent the house to us, but didn't want to suffer any legal consequences due to violations of city ordinances.  It turns out that there's a large number of cities which have single-family zoning ordinances that set a maximum number of unrelated people from living in a house - generally ranging from 2 to 4 unrelated people.  Most of these ordinances are accompanied by local news articles citing the reasons for establishing the limitations:  loud parties, unkempt yards, cars parked on the streets, and generally irresponsible singles moving into the neighborhood.  In other words, unmarried people who live together are menaces to society.

It was always my understanding that zoning ordinances were supposed to prevent businesses from moving into residential areas, not singles.  I always thought that loud parties could be stopped by noise ordinances, not housing ordinances.  I always thought the law was meant to punish behavior, not people.

I understand that there is a large percent of greedy people who are overly concerned about neighbors bringing down the value of their homes.  I understand that almost everyone wants their neighborhood to be nice.  But based on my understanding of basic human rights, parking your car on your lawn is not a crime.  And if you really don't want your neighbor's garbage can to show from the street, I think you're better off moving to a neighborhood with an HOA that has the appropriate bylaws (and I also think you're WAY too obsessed with trying to control your neighborhood).

I'm moving out of a place that has been discriminating against singles and multiple-family homes in a similar way.  The community isn't zoned as single-family, but I've had to park a block away from home just to prevent my car from being towed, regardless of the number of empty visitor stalls in the community, OR the fact that I have a visitor parking tag.

I stand firm in my opinion that single-family zoning ordinances discriminate against my marital status.  The ordinances are vaguely familiar to the literacy tests, poll taxes, and grandfather clauses that were once put in place to prevent black people from voting.  Not wanting to sound negative, I did a lot of research to find a positive source online that addresses the issue.  Ironically, it comes from my least favorite city, in an effort to change the city ordinances to remove the cap on the number of unrelated people that can live in a house currently zoned as a single-family unit.  Enjoy the read here and share your opinions with me.

Menacing Society #2: There Must Be Something Wrong...

Admit it - you know you've said it (or at least thought it) at some point in your life:  "Anyone that old and still single has something seriously wrong with him/her."  I know I said it more than just a couple times when I was younger, before I really got to know anyone who was older and unmarried - back when dating and courtship seemed as easy to me as elementary school arithmetic.  My equation went something like this:

Dating Efforts + Worthiness to marry = Happy Ending

There are way too many people who think it's that easy.  Most married people I run into seem to have forgotten their dating lives, and revert to this equation, or a variation of it.  And why not?  It makes it easy to explain why people go unmarried for so many years.  Either they're not trying hard enough/don't want it bad enough, or something is wrong with them that makes them unworthy of another's affections.

And suddenly people become my personal date doctor, and try to diagnose why I'm not married.  After asking about my dating efforts, to make sure the efforts are healthy, I become the subject of a superficial psycho-analysis.  I say superficial, because most people base their hypothesis on assumptions.  Whether they say it directly to me or not, most people are terrible at keeping their thoughts off their faces.  Suddenly their eyebrows will contort, and they'll look at me as if they're trying to read my soul for the answer.  And here are the test results:

1 - "You're not physically attractive enough.  You're just a sweet spirit."
My response:  Looks may make a big impression, but if it were really about looks, then there are TONS of couples that should never have married, and several others that should be married.

2 - "You lack the necessary social skills."
My response:  I may not be socially compatible with you, but trust me - I have WAY too many friends for you to be making that claim.

3 - "You're too picky."
My response:  Are you seriously suggesting I marry someone I really don't want to?  Really?  So, you really don't care about my happiness...

4 - "You've got a skeleton in the closet."
My response:  No.  No, I don't.  And it's offensive that you would automatically assume that of me, simply because I'm not married.  I mean, what kind of skeleton is bad enough to keep every girl I'm interested in from getting close to me?  And if it's that bad, how could you think I'm capable of it?

5 - "You must be gay."
My response:  I don't even know where to start with this one.  One of the most awesome people I know, Melissa, was asked if she was lesbian by an old acquaintance after revealing that she was 28 and unmarried (the other person didn't even ask Melissa if she was dating someone before asking this)!  Her response blew my mind: "No.  But if you need to tell people I'm lesbian because you're so embarrassed to know someone who's 28 and single, then you have my permission."  I mean, really!

There are other reasons people make up to explain why I'm still not married.  They're pretty ridiculous excuses, and less believable than the ones I've listed.  But even then, people still get married - every day - with any number of the reasons I listed above.  So it's pretty clear that it's not that simple.  Obviously I don't have it figured out yet, but I'm pretty sure the equation for marriage is better represented by the following:

My point is, finding the right person, and convincing them that you're the right person for them can be complicated.  And sometimes, you can go a long time without finding that special someone through no fault of your own.  Could it be that there's no simple explanation for why some people go unmarried for so long?

If you ask my opinion, I'd say that sometimes you have to consider divine providence.  I look back at all the efforts I've made to get married, make myself more attractive, meet new people, etc.  Then I look at all the other experiences I've had, and how it's changed my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  I have grown and changed a TON each year, and my perspective is completely different than what it was just a few years ago.  I'm grateful I didn't get married before turning 25 - there's a lot of me I wouldn't have discovered yet.  Not only that, but I've had incredible experiences through service that I wouldn't have been exposed to had I been married.  And the older I've gotten, the more comfort I find in my prayers that one day I'll be happily married to a woman who was absolutely worth the wait.

And let's face it - I'm not old by any means.  Anywhere outside of Utah, no one would think twice about the fact I haven't "settled down" yet.  But here, it's a social norm to be married by the time you turn 25.  And since I'm outside of the norm, the Sociology text-books would call me deviant.  Deviant sounds like a cross between defiant and devil, therefore I must be a menace to society.