Menacing Society #5: Keeping Quiet

Up until now, my Menacing Society series has been focused on describing to the world what it’s like to be over 25 and single in the LDS culture. And if you’ve read my previous post, you’ll know that a majority of the things that bother me about it are all centered around conversations. So why not just stop the irritating conversations? A few years ago I did just that. And you know what? It worked! I picked out the biggest offenders (in my case, family), and officially stopped talking to them about my dating life – good or bad, crazy or quiet. And when they started playing detective, I stopped talking about my social life in general, as well as stop sharing details with anyone who was likely to inform the offenders. Since then, there have been times when they’ve suspected I had a girlfriend, when I wasn’t dating anyone. And there have also been several months of exclusive dating that my family knows nothing about.

The result? 100% pure awesomeness. After a couple months, they stopped nagging me with the most annoying questions. A few months later, they were so sick of trying to pry information from me, they pretty much gave up. Now I only have to deal with a fraction of the treatment they gave me. But it gets better than that – my dating life has actually improved! It turns out that it’s easier to date and be yourself when the idea of dating doesn’t bring up a bunch of negative feelings from a previous conversation.  And when I'm NOT sharing details with others, the magic moments AREN'T KILLED by preempted conversations.  That's right: for me, a lot of the magic in dating disappears when others become involved.

I’m not alone my decision to withhold these details either.  I have several friends who also have some sort of policy on who they’re willing to share dating details with, and how much they’re willing to share. Everyone has justifiable reasons, too. Take my brother for example: He decided about 6 months ago to adopt my policy. He kept his girlfriend secret from the family for as long as he could, but it didn’t last forever. As soon as the family heard about it, the tormenting began. I was there a couple days after my family found out, and witnessed my brother weathering a rain of nosey questions, playful jabs, and inappropriate comments. After one particularly cruel comment, someone said, “no wonder Jon keeps quiet about his dating life.” The response was, “but we have to tease you: it’s our job,” as if the divinely appointed role of family members is to make life hard for each other.  I took a mental note: my family is definitely NOT ready to meet anyone I might like to bring over. It didn’t help that the following week, everyone was planning my brother’s wedding on his behalf – even telling him when he can and can’t get married, so as to not cause them an inconvenience in scheduling.

The truth is, I’m legitimately afraid to introduce girls to the family. I’m sure my family doesn’t feel like they’re all that cruel to me. But I have a big enough family that if everyone only said one comment, I’d endure over a dozen on some days. And everyone always seems to have at least one thing to say to me. The other day, a family member made some comment to me about dating. I reacted, and he started to tell me he was intentionally teasing me. Someone else jumped in and said “you should be used to it by now.” I think I’m used to the teasing. I’ve been teased all my life. But there doesn’t seem to be any effective way to desensitize myself on the subject of dating. Like a bruise, the more you poke at it the worse it hurts. Besides, my family doesn’t seem to understand/care when they’ve crossed the line between playful joking and relentless torment.

All my life my family has taught me that if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. I’ve been staying out of the kitchen for a long time. But I know it can’t last forever. Unless I plan on eloping, I’m eventually going to get to the point where I need to introduce a girlfriend to my family. A couple months ago, a sister-in-law told me she didn’t expect to hear about me dating anyone until I was engaged. She joked that I’d say, “What are you doing next week? Can you come to my wedding?” I think my mom must have overheard that comment, because she called me a few days later and shared her nightmare that I would think about not introducing a girl to the family until I was that serious. But if things keep going the way they’re going, that might become a reality. I have gotten enough grief from my family about the girls they have met, it sometimes makes me want to be single forever. Since my family isn’t changing their behavior, the only solution I can come up with is to keep them out of the loop until I am ready to get married.

Family: If you’re reading this, don’t brush this off as not-a-big-deal-Jon's-just-overreacting.  I don't care how well-meaning you might be: it’s a very sensitive topic to me (see the last 4 posts), and you’ve been very insensitive about it. The more you push for information, the more I’ll pull away from you.
Friends:  Assuming I'm likely to experience the same thing my brother recently experienced, when and how do you think I should start involving my family in details about my dating life?